56. A Heartbreaking Decision or I Am The Luna Chapter 134 By Moonlight Muse
SEBASTIAN.
Ever since I spoke to her in the kitchen, she’s been quieter, although she’s smiling, which lights up those gorgeous eyes of hers. I wish I could change the past, change the decisions I made.
Seeing Sia sick was the last straw. The promise that Gerard had the antidote drove me to get it for her, no matter what.
Watching Zaia crouch down gracefully, yet looking so fucking sexy as she talks to Sia makes me wish I could be the reason behind her smiles…
But instead, I’m the reason behind her tears.
The pain that comes with love is often never spoken of. Two people may love one another immensely, but there are still so many hurdles that they have to overcome… but I think I hurt Zaia one time too many…
And that thought agonises me, torments me.
“Time to cut the cake!” Sia exclaims as Zaia passes Dad the knife.
“Everyone gather around,” Valerie says with a small smile that doesn’t reach her eyes which still hold sadness.
Pain.
Sorrow.
Heartbreak.
So much suffering.
These emotions come in different forms for every person, but we all feel it. The emotions that will bring us to our knees, steal the air from our lungs, the sort of emotions where every part of you aches, yearns and screams for its end. It’s brutal and blinding in its pain. It bashes your soul harder and quicker than the most powerful of storms.
I ruined this for us. I understand her point. I fucking see her reason. I just wish it wasn’t like this. I ruined what love and trust meant to her.
I’ve tainted it with heartbreak and betrayal. Now I wish I could protect her heart just to make sure no one else dares hurt it, yet are my hands the place for it because I broke it to begin with?
“Sebastian?” Hugh says, snapping me from my thoughts.
Walking over to them, I step up next to Hugh as they stand gathered around the table and begin singing. I refuse to join in, simply strumming my fingers to the rhythm.
Dad cuts his cake, feeding Zaia first and then the children. He glances at me before I reach over and take the cake from his hand, but instead of eating it; I hold it out to him.
A silent peace offering to mend the bridges that we are trying to resurrect…
He smiles faintly, biting into it. “Thank you, son.”
“Don’t thank me, I didn’t make it,” I say quietly, glancing at Zaia.
She has the smallest curve of a bump already forming, and she looks gorgeous. Although I’m the one who asked for us to talk, I’m not sure what the outcome will be… deep down I’m not sure it will be in my favour, but still, I need to know…
I need to know if there is any hope of fixing what I broke. I destroyed her, and now I suddenly find myself wanting to rebuild her to who she once was, even if the truth is she doesn’t need me to rebuild her because she’s truly capable of rebuilding herself.
It’s a while later and the kids are playing happily with Dad and the others, and despite the fact it is getting quite late neither is tired.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go to bed?” Zaia is asking them.
“Yes Mommy, I’m a big boy now, and Sia is stronger now. So, we stay awake,” Zion says firmly.
“They deserve to get to break their routine for a day at least.” Hugh chuckles as Zion nods vigorously.
“Yes, Granddad is right. We deserve this,” he protests as Sia giggles.
“Yes, we big now,” she declares.
“Ok then,” Zaia says.
‘Shall we?’ I ask, jerking my thumb towards the door. She stands up slowly smoothing her dress, her face unreadable as the mask that she puts on in front of me slips into place.
“Excuse me…” she says.
“Ok Mommy, you go talk to Daddy. We will look at Grandad’s gifts!” Zion says.
“I love this chess set.” Valerie compliments the set that Hugh got for Dad.
“It is a fine set, but I wonder if Hugh actually thinks that after all these years, he can somehow beat me. I have not gotten rusty.”
“Oh, I am actually pretty confident I would win,” Hugh replies.
“I think there’s only one solution then, a match? Wouldn’t you agree, children?” Atticus remarks as he sits back, his arm around Valerie, who nods along with the twins.
Zaia walks past me, wishing both men good luck before we both head to the garden. The wind blows through our hair the moment I open the door, holding it for Zaia to step out under my arm first.
Her scent is intoxicatingly addictive as it wafts into my nose, like a bout of nicotine or something that I need to satiate my hunger.
The door, clicks shut, and I watch as she stands there staring up at the moon, holding her arm in front of her. The way her hair is blowing softly distracts me and for a blissful moment I am lost in her and her alone – forgetting the reason we are even out here. All I do is stare in awe of her.
“What did you want to say?” she turns to me, not wasting a moment to put the question forward, almost like she can’t bear to be near me.
“You said to me that you would hand me the title of Alpha before you left… why do I feel you’re thinking of leaving soon?” I ask, my voice sounding harsher than I mean it too.
There’s a fear deep inside of me, clawing at me like a monster trying to drag itself out of the pits of hell and grasp on as tight as possible.
I don’t want her to go… even if she doesn’t accept me… I can’t live with myself knowing I am who chased her away.
She sighs softly, but it is one that holds a lot of weight behind it. Like she is exhausted, her reserves depleted, and she has nothing left to give, no time, no patience, no love, nor mercy or forgiveness, I’ve used it all up, and it kills me to know I am the reason for it all.
“Why not stay, even if you don’t want to accept me into your life, at least stay so the kids can have us both close?” 1 try, when she doesn’t respond.
“I guess that’s what everyone would want me to do, would expect of me, but is it really that wrong to want to take time for me?” she asks softly, as she turns, her eyes filled with pain that mirrors my own – but it’s her words that hit a chord, guilt ripping through me.
“No, it’s not wrong.”
Fuck, I hate this.
“Then please… don’t make it any more difficult than it already is,” she whispers, her voice trembling. I close the gap between us and cup her face, feeling the magic of our connection dance along my fingertips.
“Zaia… Fuck. I know… I know I fucked up, and if I could turn back time, I would… can’t we start over? Please, I swear no matter what, I will not make the mistake again.”
But even as those words leave my mouth, I realise I’ve said them before… right when she was at her most vulnerable and promised me to open up to her. No more lies, no more misconception but I didn’t.
“No. I don’t want to do something just because it’s what others want. I want to put myself first for once. I want to heal and learn what I truly want from my life because I know this is not it. Please, Sebastian, don’t make this harder for me,” she whispers, her voice a murmur on the wind.
“Zaia, I fucking love you. I just, I am sorry…” I say, gazing into her amethyst eyes.
“I know and I do love you, but it also hurts far too much.”
I hate seeing her like this. She’s beautiful, but at the same time, she’s vulnerable and hurting.
I had seen the signs, the silent plea for me not to break the promise I made, the warning that if I did, it would break her… but I did, anyway. Even if my heart was in the right place, I did the worst thing I could possibly do to her; betraying her faith that she had put in me once again.
I realise in that moment as she looks at me what I need to do… no matter how hard, or how it’ll break me.
If I truly love her, I need to let her go. If she one day finds it in herself to forgive me, then I will wait for it.
If she is meant to be in my life until the end, she will return to me and if not… then our precious moments will be like a passing season that I will never forget.
“I understand, and I am proud that you are putting yourself first. I’m proud of you Little Fox, I truly am.” I lean down and kiss her forehead softly, closing my eyes as the pain of what is happening settles in.
I love you, with everything I have, but I just didn’t treat you the way I should have and now I will pay the price for it.
I am fucking sorry, even if that word itself is doing nothing but building resentment for myself within me. I messed up and there is no undoing what I did.
Those are the words I want to say to her, but… I can’t… I have no right to.
“Thank you… for understanding,” she murmurs, her delicate hands wrapping around my wrist, and I sense the slight weight lifting from her.
Even now… I was nothing but a burden upon her and that is not the relationship I want. Not for her. Not for me.
I move back, blue eyes meeting violet… two separate souls, ready to embark on two separate journeys. Perhaps one day we will meet at another crossroad, and maybe, just maybe, from there, our paths may truly become one.
