29 A Painful Want or I Am The Luna Chapter 107 By Moonlight Muse
ZAIA.
Blow after blow…
The pain in my body is screaming at me to stop, to take a break and breathe… but I don’t want to.
I refuse to.
This is a way to release the rage inside of me and it’s… empowering.
“Zaia… let’s take a break.” Atticus’s breathless voice comes as he grabs my fist, yanking me against him, and twists my arm behind my back. “That’s enough for today.” He says, looking down at me.
His hair is drenched in sweat, as is his body. I’m the same. The hairs that refused to stay back are sticking to my face and I can feel the trickles of sweat dripping down my bare stomach as we stand there chest to chest.
“No. I’m not… but if you want to go, I’ll continue with one of my guards.” I say quietly, breaking free and turning away from him, about to summon one of my men when he grips.
hold of my elbow and forces me to face him.
“Zai “There’s concern in his eyes as he
obst s me, but I refuse to let people see the cracks within me…
I raise an eyebrow and tilt my head.
“What’s wrong Atticus? Can’t you handle me?” I ask challengingly as I slowly tug out of his hold and cross my arms.
He smirks slightly before sighing and shaking his head.
“Alright then, Red, let’s go again.” He says as he adjusts his sweatpants and re-ties the string. He’s shirtless, and he’s getting a lot of attention from the other females here and a couple of the guys.
He would make a good partner. I just hope he finds the one and gets that happily ever after he deserves without being hung up over me.
“Checking me out?” he asks, cocking a brow.
“I appreciate the view, but no, I was just thinking you aren’t getting any younger. I want to see you settle down.” I say as I fall into stance. I’m proud to say I’m a fast learner and this time I make the first move.
“That won’t happen,” he replies as he blocks me
“Ok, I’m done, even if you aren’t. I give up.” Atticus says breathlessly as I pin him to the ground, I’m straddling his stomach a dagger to his throat. He raised his hands in surrender, dropping them onto the ground beside his head as he looks up at me.
Hours have passed and we are the only ones left in the training hall. I know I pushed him today, but I feel a little calmer, or maybe that’s because I’m just exhausted.
“You went easy on me, didn’t you?” I ask, tilting my head.
“Honestly? No. I didn’t because this isn’t a joke, and I don’t want you to underestimate the
enemy or a real match. Not that you don’t know how to handle yourself on the battlefield,” he says quietly, slapping the side of my thighs. ” You did good Red.”
I suddenly become aware of our position and dropping the dagger, I climb off him groaning at how achy my body is.
“Take a breather.” He says, grabbing my arm ling me onto the ground beside him.
My back hits the mat beneath me as I lay there beside him staring at the ceiling.
The sound of our thundering hearts as we recover is loud in the room, but it’s oddly satisfying.
There’s silence between us until he speaks.
“You really want me to settle down…” Atticus says, making me turn my head to look over at him.
“Yes, you aren’t getting any younger. Find a good woman. Life is short.” I say with a small smile.
“But would that be fair to the woman?” he asks, his smirk fading slightly.
“What do you mean?” I ask. “I mean, you can be a little annoying, but you’re a good person.”
Not that I have any right to give him advice when my own relationship is something I can’t even keep together.
“I mean… would it be fair to the woman I settle for when I am in love with someone else?” his voice is quiet, but his words are clear.
ok across at him. “I’m not worth it,” I say q…etly as I sit up.
“I told you I’ll wait. Even if there’s no end… I’ll still wait.” He sits up, but I refuse to look at him. “Zaia…”
“I’m just saying let it go, I’m never going to return those feelings… don’t waste your life over me. It’s foolish.” say, about to stand up when he takes hold of my wrist.
“Hey, look at me.”
Don’t you get it? I can’t deal with this…
I look into his eyes, trying to keep my face expressionless.
“You can’t choose who you love, and I know you will never reciprocate those feelings, and I respect that. But you don’t have the right to say whether they are a waste of time or foolish, because that’s my choice and I don’t think they are. You are an incredible woman, Zaia.”
“Atticus…”
“You’re hurting and I’m not trying to make matters worse or use your emotional state to
“Take a breather.” He says, grabbing my arm pulling me onto the ground beside him.
My back hits the mat beneath me as I lay there beside him staring at the ceiling.
The sound of our thundering hearts as we recover is loud in the room, but it’s oddly satisfying.
There’s silence between us until he speaks.
“You really want me to settle down…” Atticus. says, making me turn my head to look over at him.
“Yes, you aren’t getting any younger. Find a good woman. Life is short.” I say with a small smile.
“But would that be fair to the woman?” he asks, his smirk fading slightly.
“What do you mean?” I ask. “I mean, you can be a little annoying, but you’re a good person.”
Not that I have any right to give him advice when my own relationship is something I can’t even keep together.
“I mean… would it be fair to the woman I settle for when I am in love with someone else?” his voice is quiet, but his words are clear.
i look across at him. “I’m not worth it,” I say quietly as I sit up.
“I told you I’ll wait. Even if there’s no end… I’ll still wait.” He sits up, but I refuse to look at him. “Zaia…”
“I’m just saying let it go, I’m never going to return those feelings… don’t waste your life over me. It’s foolish.” say, about to stand up when he takes hold of my wrist.
“Hey, look at me.”
Don’t you get it? I can’t deal with this…
I look into his eyes, trying to keep my face expressionless.
“You can’t choose who you love, and I know you will never reciprocate those feelings, and I respect that. But you don’t have the right to say whether they are a waste of time or foolish, because that’s my choice and I don’t think they are. You are an incredible woman, Zaia.”
“Atticus…”
“You’re hurting and I’m not trying to make matters worse or use your emotional state to forward my gain, but just remember, you are worth way more. There are so many men who ould sacrifice the world to have you by their side.”
Only not the one I loved…
Tears prickle my eyes and I look away, ashamed that I let it get to me.
“I’ll see you tonight, Atticus,” I say quietly.
“Alright.” He replies softly as I take my leave.
The moment I enter the changing room, I kick off my shoes and step into one of the showers. Switching it on, I sink to the ground, wrapping my arms around my legs.
If only…
Love hurts…
What a twisted game it plays. I want the one who doesn’t care for me, and the one who wants me… I will only hurt him more.
I remain under the shower until Valerie’s voice comes into my mind, telling me that the kids are asking for me. The mind link is something she, too, has mastered now.
And so… for them, I get up and push the emotions away.
“Are you sure you still want to do this today?”
Atticus asks.
I close the report of Mom’s postmortem, my mind spinning.
She had several broken bones, along with so much other internal and external damage.
We were ready to test out the Moon Dust, but the report has shaken me.
Mom had been sick.
Cancer…
According to this report, she’d been sick for a while… and it seemed that the poisoning around my birth had just made it worse…
“We never did find out who administered the poison back then,” I say quietly. “I’m assuming it could be the man Annalise was speaking to in your pack. Gerard wouldn’t have done it himself.
Atticus frowns. “I’ve been trying to find some clue, anything that could help. We do have footage of every New Year’s ball and I have had the tapes searched. Some files were deleted, but we are trying to recover them. Someone should show up, the main hall was definitely covered from all angles,” he replies.
“Good. I need to know…” I sigh.
“She knew… that she was sick. Did she never mention it to you?” Jai asks quietly.
Valerie gives my shoulders a gentle squeeze as she stands behind me and I shake my head.
“No. She never did.” I sigh.
I feel like I didn’t even know her…
“So, she just kept you in the dark?” Jai sounds a little frustrated now, but deep down I know why she didn.
She didn’t want to worry me… Even though it upsets me; I get it…
But there were never any signs. She was so good at hiding her emotions.
“Look, let’s leave the Moon Dust tonight… you need a break, Zaia.” Atticus says as he crouches down in front of me.
“And I’m beginning to not like you again,” Jai mutters.
“Jai, I’m just trying to help.” Atticus says, a sliver of irritation in his voice.
“Yeah, what I’m seeing is you getting a little. too cosy the moment Seb isn’t in the picture.” Jai shoots back.
“Jai!” Valerie says as Atticus stands up his eyes flashing.
“Don’t forget I’m an alpha. Know your place.” He says, clenching his fists and I know he’s trying to calm himself and Jai’s words have angered me too..
Jai scoffs. “Yeah, but I’m also her Beta and I’m not going to let you-”
“Enough,” I say, my voice trembling as I try to remain calm. “Jai… enough. I don’t need anyone to look out for me. Me and Atticus will try to
find Dad… Val watch my babies. Jai… organise Mom’s funeral for this coming Sunday.” I stand up and look at Atticus.
“Let’s try this,” I say.
“I should be the one to go with you,” Jai says softly, placing a hand on my upper arm.
“No. Atticus is an Alpha, he’s stronger Jai an you aren’t fully recovered. It’s better it’s the two of us.” I say firmly.
And… you’re still loyal to your Alpha.
He looks concerned and almost hurt by my words, but it is the truth.
“Alright, as you wish, Alpha.”
“One more thing…” I say as we are about to leave.
“Yeah?” Jai says as Valerie places her hand on his arm.
“We are a team, the four of us now… our loyalty and trust should be to one another foremost. I hope you know what side you are on.” I say. My eyes meet Jai’s and he looks down.
“I know… I just don’t think Sebastian would betray us for no reason… I know Sebastian. We grew up together. He would not betray us. There might be factors we don’t know-”
“Jai! Enough! I am not going to do this again! If there was a reason, goddess maybe… but he should have told me! If there was something, he should have talked to me!” I shout, unable to control myself.
“Zaia, I think “I raise my hand, cutting Valerie off.
“This is your final warning, Jai. If you can’t accept the reality, then… I will have no choice. but to strip you of your position. I need a Beta loyal to me, not their old Alpha.” I say with finality.
There’s a tense silence and I know my words have hurt him. He nods, and he lowers his head. “Yes, Alpha.”
“I hope I’m clear… from this day forward… I don’t want his name mentioned in front of me ever again. Do you understand?”
“Understood,” Jai says, pulling away from Valerie. He turns and leaves.
“Let’s go,” I say to Atticus. My eyes meet Valerie’s, and she looks conflicted..
It must be hard having to choose between the man you love and your friend… but I don’t need her to choose. She can choose Jai.
We step into the garden but keep to a secluded area and I look up at the moon.
“Do you have a plan or an idea of how this might work?” Atticus asks.
“I might…” I say quietly.
aking a deep breath, I look ahead and softly. blow the dust from my hand.
Father… Where are you?
Believe.
I need to find him.
Show me the way.
I watch as the dust comes alive, glowing pink with speckles of silver as it wafts into the air swirling around me. A cooling energy washes over me and my eyes blaze as I feel a pull.
I begin walking, and Atticus follows.
“Zaia?”
“I know where Dad is,” I say, my heart thundering as I look at him.
His eyes light up and he smiles faintly, nodding.
I look ahead before I begin walking in the direction I’m being pulled, knowing exactly where I’m headed…
